Date Night, Being Sabrina Fulton and Other Things

This blog entry was originally supposed to be about the importance of date night. It still is but there are a few other sprinklings I’d like to mention as well. Date night IS important. Pre-King days Papa bear and I had an established date night. It went on for a year until one day when I was feeling hormonal I told him I no longer wanted date night. I stated that they were predictable and took the spontaneity out of our relationship. Hind sight of course is 20/20 and maybe I should not have eliminated date night completely. Instead I could have suggested a variety of venues, new ideas and rotating days. Eliminating date night was wrong. Papa bear if you are reading, I was WRONG!

Post-King days I welcome any reason to put on fancy clothes, have adult conversations and balance in the air with my pretty pumps. I have reinstated date night! Our first outing was the Jill Scott concert at Wolf Trap in Vienna Va. This outdoor concert arena is in an affluent neighbor and the residents are of the majority culture. Jill brought the brown masses; it took two hours to get from the exit into park and to our seats. The parking situation was atrocious and patrons had to now park in the neighborhood instead of the lots. The residents of this community didn’t seem to appreciate the browning of their neighborhood, even if it was temporarily.

We sat in traffic for two hours and our bladders were full. On the mile hike from where we parked the car to our actual seats we came upon a swim meet. We entered the building to use the facilities. When leaving a pasty face lady said “excuse me?”

I paused. She asked if I were going to the show but it sounded more accusatory than inquisitive so instinctually I headed out of the building. To my back she shouted “this is not a public restroom!”

I said ok, and continued out the door. Then she shouted “you people…”

Everyone that is a part of a minority group knows that this is a slur. Papa bear and I gave each other knowing looks but kept walking. We were on the side-walk by the time she called us a$$holes. Papa bear stiffened but he kept walking. Pasty face slammed the doors and locked them; we had an audience by now. Emotions have been high in the brown community after the Zimmerman verdict and folks were ready. Then this silly broad ran to another door on the other side of the building and yelled “bye rude people.”

Papa bear had his fill and turned around to go back and address her. But pasty fearfully stayed behind the glass doors. I grabbed Papa bear’s hand trying to stop him from charging her which was as effective as holding back a tornado. The image of King in his mind’s eye was the only thing that stopped him in his tracks. We eventually made it to the concert, missed the two opening acts, saw Jill do three songs and left early to beat the crowd. Date night was a wash.

On the way home I finally allowed myself to process what had happened to Trayvon Martin. I am Sabrina Fulton. I am the mother of a black male child who will probably be of considerable size. I will have to talk to him about race and gender very early in life. I have no idea how to go about it. I don’t want him to live in fear but naiveté will not protect him. I am an educated very grown woman. I was dressed up, attending a concert and still baited. If this can happen to me, what about my sun?

My girlfriend Autumn* and I talked about raising black boys over brunch a few days ago. She told me she didn’t want her son to be corny but dressing like Carlton Banks instead of Lil Wayne might save his life. I’m not sure. Is the profiling really in the clothing? I was dressed impeccably and still taunted. I am prone to believe the profiling had more to do with skin tone. And we all know ladies and gentlemen, there is no changing that.

So what are my takeaways? 1) Even though the night was a bust it is important to set aside time for you and your mate. I enjoyed getting fancy and having Papa bear admire me. He looked dapper as well. *wink* 2) Racial profiling is real and scary. There are uncomfortable lessons about being black and male in America that I will have to teach King. 3) King is loved and his parents chose to come home to him instead of going to jail.
Thanks for stopping by!
~A King’s Ma

Knowing How to Surrender

This week on twitter I posted: Do your very best but surrender the outcome. This was a reminder to me but also I thought someone else could use this wisdom. Motherhood is one big exercise in surrendering. I have never considered myself an “A type” personality but I do have controlling tendencies. I have taught myself to appreciate routine and structure. An organized life keeps me out of trouble. Becoming a mother has turned my schedule into King’s schedule. He is the center of my day and I plan around him. Not only do I have to plan around him, I have to consider my mother’s schedule who is our live-in daycare provider; I also have to consider what Papa bear is doing. This is a new art for me. I am an only child and I have been living on my own for many years. Plan as I may, a monkey wrench is typically thrown at me.

Long gone are the days of my dismissive attitude. My motto that stated “get down or lay down” has been retired. In my new life called motherhood, I have control over very little. I had a detailed birth plan and my birth story ended up being the polar opposite of said plan. Daily I plan to work out and write. Those things may or may not happen depending on who can watch my sun*. We are currently sleep training and both Papa bear and I keep delaying progress by deviating from the plan. This life could cause stress or even depression but I refuse to fall victim to those outcomes. Choosing sanity means choosing to surrender.

I had to surrender to the fact that I was not going to have a vaginal birth. I have to surrender daily to the notion that I am the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I know that it is ok and I will not be fat forever. In the meantime I am able to produce sustenance for my child and hopefully nurse him for the first year of his life. I am grateful that I have a family, considering them is not a burden but a blessing. Some days are easier than others but like anything else you must practice the art of surrendering. When I become overwhelmed and the tears well up, I remember what Oprah Winfrey  said in her master class.

ms.sophia

Oprah told the story about how much she wanted to have a role in The Color Purple. She did everything in her power to assist the universe in conspiring to give her what she wanted. When it looked as though she would not land the part, she started singing to herself “I Surrender All”.
And the rest is black history. Ms. Sophia’s lines are quoted globally. Surrendering worked out for her. If it worked for Oprah surely you and I should give it a try.

*Disclaimer: I use the homonym sun instead of son on purpose. King is the center of my world, he lights it up and I rise every day because of him. This is not a typo.
Thanks for stopping by!
~A King’s Ma

A King’s Ma Blog Defined

Holding the King!

Holding the King!

Welcome to A King’s Ma Blog. I am a new mother, a counselor, author and superhero. Here you will find my whimsical tales of motherhood. I have been changed forever by the birth of my sun. Having him has made me want to be a better person. It is more urgent than ever now that I do the work on myself to be whole, healthy and loving for him. King is my miracle child. I was told it would be difficult to conceive if at all possible. But God always has the final say and King is here. So, even though I am ecstatic about motherhood; this thing doesn’t come with a manual. I plan to take you on the journey with me as we skip, run and/or stroll though this quagmire called motherhood. What will you need for this trip? I’m glad you asked. First, you will need an open mind. Nobody is an expert on how to be the perfect mother. The perfect mother doesn’t exist. We are all doing the best we can with the information we are given. Secondly, a sense of humor; without it you will be lost without a compass; and honey, I will not be able to find you. Lastly, bring lots of love. This is a love fest and that is the only energy allowed. Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate you reading! Xoxo ~A King’s Ma